I want to be a doctor to help people...

Recently, a friend of mine who is at a crossroads in her life (she’s trying to decide whether or not to attend medical school) sent me an innocent email asking me to comment about why I ended up in medicine. Here is part of her note:

Often when we talk you mention wanting to be a part of change, something larger than yourself. What exactly do you want to change? What are you seeking to accomplish and how do you think medicine or having an MD helps you? If you had the option of doing something in your life differently what would you do?

Now initially, those look like harmless questions, but as I began to type my reply, I was forced to think about what I was saying instead of giving some superficial conversational response: ”Well, I was good at science, and I wanted to help people…” The more I tried to write coherently, the more I realized that there were some shadows cast in to that part of my self-consciousness. I realized that I did not have the answers accessible off the top of my head, and then I became concerned about what the answers might be if I probed deeper.

Now if someone asks these types of questions to your face, most people quickly formulate a logical response that reflects good past judgment and little regret in their life path. Most folks I know would not choose a casual conversation as an opportunity to examine the values and motivations that form their psychological foundation and risk discovering an array of unsound and incongruent ideas that are in imminent threat of collapse. However, when one is alone at a computer trying to type a brief but honest response, one risks entering into a level of introspection that exposes all of the internal dissonance that we usually are able to suppress by just staying busy.

But at this point, the lid on Pandora’s box is slightly ajar, and I want to take an honest assessment of myself. When I changed my career objective from engineering to medicine, I always used to brag, that I would always be willing to admit when something was not right for me, and I would never stay in a job or career, just because I had worked so long to achieve it. But that was easy to say when I was “throwing away” a couple of semesters of courses in materials science and unit operations (I studied chemical engineering in undergrad). Now that I have endured some real trials, the mindset of always being willing to throw my life into reverse seems more frightening. I have experienced some tribulation to get here. Residency has been especially arduous: the grueling call schedule, the verbal abuse from attending physicians, the sorrow of losing patients, the shame of making mistakes, the loneliness of a new city thousands of miles from your family, the insecurity of wondering if you measure up, the pain of being stuck by a needle or blade in the operating room, the anxiety of whether that needle or blade exposed you to HIV or Hepatitis C, the passing of your 20’s, the sacrifice of your personal life, and finally the heartache you endure as you come so close to human suffering everyday. I have to admit that after enduring all of this, I’m much less cavalier about the possibility of discovering that I need to make a U-turn on the road to fulfillment.

Even so, I feel that I should be courageous, and honestly examine myself and my career to assess whether I should continue down this path or not. More over, I should be courageous, because of who I claim to be spiritually. I should never be attached to anything in this life to the point that I am unwilling to follow God’s leading. If God revealed to me that medicine was not my path, I should have the faith to follow His lead, and know that He has a greater purpose for my life. My spirit is willing, but as usual the flesh is weak, so I feel “unsteady” as I examine the last eight years under the retrospectascope. Unsteady or not, I’m moving ahead...

Question #1: Often when we talk you mention wanting to be a part of change, something larger than yourself. What exactly do you want to change?

What do I want to change? To state it simply…I want to be a blessing to somebody. I want to be a servant, and meet someone’s need. I want to change someone's situation...for the better. Now I clearly did not have to go to medical school to serve my fellow man. I have to be honest here…when I decided to go to medical school, the career path fit my desire for service, but it also appealed to my bourgeois sensibilities of professional success. There is no denying the fact that as much as my mouth was saying “I want to be a doctor to help people”, there was a self-centered part of my heart that appreciated the social and financial rewards that are associated with medicine. Who am I kidding? I wanted to help people as long as I was pushing a fly whip, living in an obscenely expensive house, and was able to satisfy all of my worldly desires.

Now almost ten years later, my values have evolved. For instance, I’m much less concerned with my future earnings than I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, I would not mind a new car and owning a home, but those achievements seem inevitable at this point, and the difference between making $50,000 a year (what a resident makes), and $500,000 a year, is a transition from comfort to opulence. I actually fear making too much money, because with maturity, I can see the inherent problems that wealth brings.

I may have evolved in terms of my financial goals, but pride still inflates my desire for social respectability. Of course, medicine has been a big let down in this area. The prestige that I associated with being a physician has not come to fruition. Doctors are seen as villains as often as they are seen as saviors. Oh yeah, let me not forget all the attention from the opposite sex I’m supposed to enjoy. What woman wants a man who is never around, and when he is around, falls asleep every five minutes? On paper, women are attracted to surgeons…they are intelligent, successful, and capable…just like on paper, men are attracted to fashion models. But in reality, just like those fashion models are all image, and can turn out to be self absorbed, dim-witted, anorexics…so too, surgeons often turn out to be workaholic, sleep-deprived, grumpy, egomaniacs that are insufferable to be around. To be honest, I think my experience as a surgeon has had discernible effects on my personality, and I’d be lying to myself if I did not admit that some of these effects have eroded my amiability. The point I’m trying to get across is that being a physician is not usually conducive to healthy relationships, and that my personal life has suffered along this journey.

This brings me back to my reminiscing about why I chose a medical career ten years ago in the first place. Of course now, my desire to be a doctor is no longer augmented by the financial and social benefits, because: 1) I am less enamored with wealth, and 2) The social cost of medicine is higher than I thought it would be. So at this point in my life, when I say "I want to be a doctor to help people", I think my motives are less conflicted than they were ten years ago. But that leads me to the second question.

Question #2: What are you seeking to accomplish and how do you think medicine or having an MD helps you?

Like I alluded to before, it does not take a brain surgeon to help someone in need, so why am I still pursuing medicine? What am I seeking to accomplish? How does medicine help? It’s easy for me to say that I want to help people or serve my fellow man, but then never specify how I’m going to do it. This is the trademark banter of politicians, but I too engage in rhetorical humanitarianism with no pragmatic long-term service objective. Is it because I’m not sincere? I sincerely hope not. Actually, I honestly feel a great obligation to serve my fellow man. I have seen some of the most profound suffering during my time in hospitals, and I’m cognizant of the disadvantages that many people have to achieving any meaning in life. I, on the other hand, have enjoyed superb health, academic success, financial security, religious freedom, a loving family, and countless other blessings. When I survey the circumstances that life has placed me in, I can’t help but recall the words of Jesus recorded by Luke (12:48): “to whom much is given, much will be required”. (By the way, Luke was a well-educated Greek physician, unlike many of his gospel-writing contemporaries who were poorly educated second-class citizens of the Roman empire, so Luke knew what it meant to be richly blessed). I, like Luke, am aware that “much has been given” to me, and I can’t help but wonder what “will be required?”

One of the biggest spiritual anxieties I have is “what if I am not being sensitive to God’s instruction to serve?” This being said, I don’t feel that I have received some grand vision about God’s plan for my life. I believe He has a plan, but maybe I have not been ready to receive it. Maybe when the plan has been revealed to me, all I saw was a heavy cross to bear, and rejected it subconsciously. Or maybe God just gives me enough direction to take the next few steps (God’s word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path - Psalm 119:105) I’m not sure, but in the meantime, I try to live each day and be sensitive to opportunities I have to express love and serve. Don’t get it twisted…I’m as flawed as the next man, and I’m not always successful at expressing love, and some days I’m down right self-absorbed. However, one of the great things about medicine is there are multiple opportunities to serve every day. Whether it be taking a few minutes to talk to patients or family members, or actually doing some therapeutic intervention (scalpel please). My job comes with many opportunities to help people. Now, maybe, this is what God’s plan is for me…to serve quietly one patient at a time, but I want to be prepared to do more if God has something else for me to do. That’s why I’m pre-occupied with falling in love with prestige and money, because I’d hate to be so in love with my career, that I would be unwilling to follow my calling out of medicine if that time came. Maybe all the education and training is just building up intellectual capital to be used at a later date in some other capacity. Luke was behind the scenes, likely attending to other sick Christians, but his detail-oriented medical training allowed him to record the most chronologically and thorough account of Jesus’ life, as well as the book of Acts which outlines the history of the early church. What I’m saying is that I’m content with medicine for now because it allows me to help people, pay my rent, and invest in myself simultaneously. I just pray that if the time comes to move on, I have the faith to go where I’m called…even if the cross appears too heavy to bear.

Question #3: If you had the option of doing something in your life differently what would you do?

This is the question that I was most worried about answering when I started trying to reply to the original email. However now that I have relented and uncovered my ears to any possible inner voices of dissent, I can see that there was nothing to fear. That wonderful thing called “spiritual perspective” has moved in and reminded me that life is fleeting anyway. I could get run over by a car on my way to church tomorrow morning. Why waste energy getting all worried about what I accomplish in my life in the future. I should be content with worrying about what I accomplish in the next 24 hours. What difference does it make whether or not I continue in medicine? Do I have the faith to believe that my life could have a purpose beyond medicine? The resounding answer is "yes" (at least in this moment of spiritual clarity). So, I can say I have no regrets because my experiences (good and bad) have shaped me, and to reject my past, would be to reject who I have become.

In my weaker moments, I judge myself as not smart enough, lazy, and unloveable, but I think most people do that from time to time. Fortunately, these feelings rarely last, as there is always a reminder that God has provided me with all the intelligence, energy, and love I need to be His disciple. So I would not do anything differently…I would still go to medical school and surgical residency, because, I am able to see now that my future is still wide open. It’s not limited by my past. I may very well live out my days as a quiet clinician helping my patients the best I can. Or, I might serve out my days in some position of great influence and authority. On the other hand, God’s plan for me might be to suffer or to die young, but regardless of the path, His mercy and grace will be sufficient to sustain me through whatever highs or lows I’m called to endure.

Well that was quite a journey through my mind. I feel like a great burden was lifted off me. I’m sure I will continue to have weak moments when I feel the weight of the pressures of the world wearing on me, and in those times I have to remember to “cast my burden on the Lord and He will sustain me” (Psalm 55:22).

Thanks to anyone who took the time to follow me through this “what if” experiment. I hope it has blessed you. It has certainly blessed me. Up until writing this, I have been very anxious about returning to residency in a year. This 2 year hiatus as a graduate student is probably the last oppurtunity I will have for a long time to reflect on the sacrifice that is required to be a surgeon. It’s hard to reflect objectively when you are in the midst of the trials of the work. But in this moment of clarity, I’m able to remember some important things. I remember that I still get a thrill when I make that first incision into someone’s abdomen. I remember that I still feel like a hero when I fix simple problems. I remember I still enjoy that awe that children show to someone in a white coat. I remember that I can still make someone’s day because a surgeon took the time to talk to them. I remember how much I love being part of a team of committed nurses, doctors, and therapists all working toward the same goal. Most of all, I remember that I still like being a doctor.

Your brother in the call to serve,
chad


I wanted to change the world. But I have found that the only thing one can be sure of changing is oneself.-Aldous Huxley-